Today I had to prepare the Props and Exhibition things with Yana, Fiza and Hada. After what happened, I just lost my trust in Hada. She kept telling me that I won’t have to work with her, because she is so fierce. There are good things that I noticed. She has very good work habits, whatever you can do at that time, just do it. Treat every reply and things carefully and check again. Remember what you are supposed to do, and do it well and early. She gave me lots of feedback whenever I give ideas. But all the good things will end. At least I managed to observe her and know her working style. But the truth is, my gut feelings tell me that she doesn’t want to work with me. I made a terrible mistake and that spiralled into a series of mistakes. Which I truly regretted. I noticed that I have a very good teamwork with Suriati, Radiah, Suria. They did things very quickly and fast. Thank Allah for putting me with them. Syukuralhamdulillah.
Done on 15 November 2
Saturday, November 17, 2007
wondering....
I just need to get this off my chest. It bothers me and I always end up in dreamland just thinking about it. I hope that nothing will happen. My imagination just goes wild.
During the Iman Lagun Sari Makan Event, I went up to greet all the directors after arriving. Teacher Suariati went up to Mr Adi and greeted him. She said the usual things that people do during Hari Raya. So after her turn, I went up to him and smiled. He took a glance at me. Then his eyes glanced up and down. I saw the movement of his eyes. It was uncomfortable, but I just continued smiling. I just said Selamat Hari Raya! after that, I ciao.
Then I went to Changkat CC recently. He arrived there… I was with a student I was in charge with and had just returned from a toilet visit. I decided to go in from the other entrance, where it wasn’t so packed with people. He looked at me from far, but I tot it was kinda stupid to just smile from far. I just went on my own way. I made my way to my seat, where unfortunately I had to sit beside Iqbal. He was in his naughty mood. I was running out of my patience just tolerating his nonsense. When Iqbal is in that mood, you can expect punches and even more nonsense. He laid down, pulling up his shorts. I had to repeatedly push him up to a sitting position. Mr Adi went to stand in the middle of the hall and see the performance. He looked around, and focused on us. I was talking to Iqbal. “ Iqbal! Don’t be like this, can you? Sit up please!” I said to him in frustration. And Iqbal sat up. We had to go up the stage for a dance performance later. I danced. I saw him look at my direction before being interrupted by other people.
I had a talk with mum recently. As she always listens to his time slot… she commented that there was a time he was being teased by other people. Such as being chased by other girls. He commented. He likes girls who wear scarfs….
From there, my heart just thumped. Been having uneasy feelings from then on…
I told myself repeatedly that it was just my imagination and coincidence. But my gut feelings tell me otherwise…..
But now, when I think about it, I think there are prettier girls than me. Maybe he just focussed on Yana.
During the Iman Lagun Sari Makan Event, I went up to greet all the directors after arriving. Teacher Suariati went up to Mr Adi and greeted him. She said the usual things that people do during Hari Raya. So after her turn, I went up to him and smiled. He took a glance at me. Then his eyes glanced up and down. I saw the movement of his eyes. It was uncomfortable, but I just continued smiling. I just said Selamat Hari Raya! after that, I ciao.
Then I went to Changkat CC recently. He arrived there… I was with a student I was in charge with and had just returned from a toilet visit. I decided to go in from the other entrance, where it wasn’t so packed with people. He looked at me from far, but I tot it was kinda stupid to just smile from far. I just went on my own way. I made my way to my seat, where unfortunately I had to sit beside Iqbal. He was in his naughty mood. I was running out of my patience just tolerating his nonsense. When Iqbal is in that mood, you can expect punches and even more nonsense. He laid down, pulling up his shorts. I had to repeatedly push him up to a sitting position. Mr Adi went to stand in the middle of the hall and see the performance. He looked around, and focused on us. I was talking to Iqbal. “ Iqbal! Don’t be like this, can you? Sit up please!” I said to him in frustration. And Iqbal sat up. We had to go up the stage for a dance performance later. I danced. I saw him look at my direction before being interrupted by other people.
I had a talk with mum recently. As she always listens to his time slot… she commented that there was a time he was being teased by other people. Such as being chased by other girls. He commented. He likes girls who wear scarfs….
From there, my heart just thumped. Been having uneasy feelings from then on…
I told myself repeatedly that it was just my imagination and coincidence. But my gut feelings tell me otherwise…..
But now, when I think about it, I think there are prettier girls than me. Maybe he just focussed on Yana.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I learnt something new today.
I saw a side of her that I couldn't see. And I finally saw it. What people said is true. and the worst part is that I trusted her, did what she wants or means... MdmShe had me around her finger. I had seen the world, the work with blinded eyes. SO blinded that I was in a dream world. Its time to wake up, baby.
I had a relapse of minor eye infection yesterday, and I saw the need to go to the polyclinic to get another dose of the medicine. The previous eye drop expired 1 month after use. SO I went to the polyclinic this morning. After the visit to the doctor, my body heated up and I had a fever. Even though my conscience didn't want me to sleep, I did, in order to rest for a while. This is a bad decision that I made today. As I don't have any MC or leave yet, Mdm told me to report work at 11 am. Then the consequences of my bad decision followed. Mom told me to be patient...
I didn't answer her's sms "Where are you?"
Then 30 minutes later, she smsed me, following Mdm's style. By hook or by crook, I want the files by today. Then you can go and rest. There's lots of work to do.
Only then, I realised that I held Camb 2 files, which had their project booklet. By coming late, I actually backlogged their progress.
30 minutes later, I actually managed to get a cab. I had to wait for any available taxis.. Mdm called me, yelling as she spoke. She questioned me where am I and did I bring the files. I did, and from that moment I realised that she had spoken to Mdm. Its betrayal. From that moment, after I recovered from my disbelief, my heart closed its doors. If she can do this to me during work, she can do the same even when we are not working.
Now people's perception of me is that I can't do my job, that she is better than me, helpful and cannot be depended on. During debriefing, my senses told me that she made some messages. She just wanted to suck up to Mdm. Maintain Mdm's good impression of her. and what really pissed me off is that she can still talk to me like nothing had happened earlier. What the fuck. I really don't have the appetite to eat, and felt like staying away from her. she kept her good side, and asked me whether I wanted to eat. I rejected her offer. If she turns cold towards me, the better. Its better to stay away.
What they said is true. If you can't keep up with the demands of your job, or be fast paced when you are supposed to, you fail as a teacher, as a team player. You lose trust in your colleagues, and people will start talking.
Sometimes its the truth, and the truth hurts. Damn a lot. It still breaks my heart when I remember the moment when a person that I respected a lot spoke the truth to another person about my bad points.
Sometimes I ask myself, why I couldn't do a task properly. and my efforts that I did earlier were just thrashed in a moment.
I have an intention to do a good job, to leave this place with a good impression. but going back through the latest events, I doubt so.
Now my leave is deducted. I heard that there's 3 weeks leave, and my leave is deducted 2 weeks. Most likely lah. My goal is to get my 13th month bonus and ciao.
I have several obstacles in order to achieve my 1 year experience. I went into it. got manipulated around, taken advantage, and pushed around. I saw a side of myommunity that I never liked, and saw the point why my race cannot advance forward. its toothe mindset of copying others, jealous when somebody advance and they don't. Every single thing they will comment. Favoritism. people will be popular and some
don't. With all these going around, its no wonder my community cannot move forward. There's always be fighting internally.
Adilla, just do your best. even things didn't turn out like the way you want it, at least, you learnt a lot during your experience here... Pray to God.
I saw a side of her that I couldn't see. And I finally saw it. What people said is true. and the worst part is that I trusted her, did what she wants or means... MdmShe had me around her finger. I had seen the world, the work with blinded eyes. SO blinded that I was in a dream world. Its time to wake up, baby.
I had a relapse of minor eye infection yesterday, and I saw the need to go to the polyclinic to get another dose of the medicine. The previous eye drop expired 1 month after use. SO I went to the polyclinic this morning. After the visit to the doctor, my body heated up and I had a fever. Even though my conscience didn't want me to sleep, I did, in order to rest for a while. This is a bad decision that I made today. As I don't have any MC or leave yet, Mdm told me to report work at 11 am. Then the consequences of my bad decision followed. Mom told me to be patient...
I didn't answer her's sms "Where are you?"
Then 30 minutes later, she smsed me, following Mdm's style. By hook or by crook, I want the files by today. Then you can go and rest. There's lots of work to do.
Only then, I realised that I held Camb 2 files, which had their project booklet. By coming late, I actually backlogged their progress.
30 minutes later, I actually managed to get a cab. I had to wait for any available taxis.. Mdm called me, yelling as she spoke. She questioned me where am I and did I bring the files. I did, and from that moment I realised that she had spoken to Mdm. Its betrayal. From that moment, after I recovered from my disbelief, my heart closed its doors. If she can do this to me during work, she can do the same even when we are not working.
Now people's perception of me is that I can't do my job, that she is better than me, helpful and cannot be depended on. During debriefing, my senses told me that she made some messages. She just wanted to suck up to Mdm. Maintain Mdm's good impression of her. and what really pissed me off is that she can still talk to me like nothing had happened earlier. What the fuck. I really don't have the appetite to eat, and felt like staying away from her. she kept her good side, and asked me whether I wanted to eat. I rejected her offer. If she turns cold towards me, the better. Its better to stay away.
What they said is true. If you can't keep up with the demands of your job, or be fast paced when you are supposed to, you fail as a teacher, as a team player. You lose trust in your colleagues, and people will start talking.
Sometimes its the truth, and the truth hurts. Damn a lot. It still breaks my heart when I remember the moment when a person that I respected a lot spoke the truth to another person about my bad points.
Sometimes I ask myself, why I couldn't do a task properly. and my efforts that I did earlier were just thrashed in a moment.
I have an intention to do a good job, to leave this place with a good impression. but going back through the latest events, I doubt so.
Now my leave is deducted. I heard that there's 3 weeks leave, and my leave is deducted 2 weeks. Most likely lah. My goal is to get my 13th month bonus and ciao.
I have several obstacles in order to achieve my 1 year experience. I went into it. got manipulated around, taken advantage, and pushed around. I saw a side of myommunity that I never liked, and saw the point why my race cannot advance forward. its toothe mindset of copying others, jealous when somebody advance and they don't. Every single thing they will comment. Favoritism. people will be popular and some
don't. With all these going around, its no wonder my community cannot move forward. There's always be fighting internally.
Adilla, just do your best. even things didn't turn out like the way you want it, at least, you learnt a lot during your experience here... Pray to God.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
releasing my anger and sadness.
the wonders of it all. If the peak period of the year is already starting, when will it end?? I am tired. simply because my flu is acting up again.
Previously I tried my best, trying to remember things that I AM SUPPOSED TO DO but somehow, among the busiest of things, I forgot the sole responsibility. It made me feel sad, and still am. I dunno how to judge people based on their personailities, but I have been manipulated by many. Ppl take gd advantage of kindness and ask me to do things that is beyond my presponsility.
People whom I tot is very close to me, turned out to be the opposite. but the people that I am far, support me when I am down.
I am down yesterday, and I know that Mdm is informed about my mistake. therefore, my resilience in me made me withstand the harsh words during the briefing.
Whatever good that you do won't be highlighted, but all the mistakes that you do will be spread across all teachers and ustazahs.
Mistakes are mistakes, but they can be distorted from the truth, been changed to dramatised to represent a wholely different concept of the truth.
I have been patient. But there's a limit to it.
Whenever you do a mistake, learn from it and don't moan or complain about it. Smile, and dun forget about that part of responsibility.
I am very aware of my weakness. I have learnt to voice out my concerns, and I am thoroughly fedup by my mistakes. well,
things for me to develop:
STand up for myself.
Have proper documentation. be professional.
Think of different ways to present your idea. Keep all the good ideas to yourself.
Be the first to create an idea and make it happen.
Surf the net for ideas.
Don't pamper people. Sometimes, they must do things for themselves to learn how to do it.
Develop a successful system to manage the class.
Be alert and know what is going on.
Ask around.
Have a sense of urgency. Do things perfectly the first time, everytime.
Use TLC words. Tender loving care.
Do not be too formal. Parents find that trait and you too boring.
Be responsible. Always take care of the things.
Ask. Ask. ASk.
Mark books carefully.
Get used to the idea that you have to take up more than you are comfortable with.
Be child-like. Act out and make children laugh.
Dun be too stress!!
Previously I tried my best, trying to remember things that I AM SUPPOSED TO DO but somehow, among the busiest of things, I forgot the sole responsibility. It made me feel sad, and still am. I dunno how to judge people based on their personailities, but I have been manipulated by many. Ppl take gd advantage of kindness and ask me to do things that is beyond my presponsility.
People whom I tot is very close to me, turned out to be the opposite. but the people that I am far, support me when I am down.
I am down yesterday, and I know that Mdm is informed about my mistake. therefore, my resilience in me made me withstand the harsh words during the briefing.
Whatever good that you do won't be highlighted, but all the mistakes that you do will be spread across all teachers and ustazahs.
Mistakes are mistakes, but they can be distorted from the truth, been changed to dramatised to represent a wholely different concept of the truth.
I have been patient. But there's a limit to it.
Whenever you do a mistake, learn from it and don't moan or complain about it. Smile, and dun forget about that part of responsibility.
I am very aware of my weakness. I have learnt to voice out my concerns, and I am thoroughly fedup by my mistakes. well,
things for me to develop:
STand up for myself.
Have proper documentation. be professional.
Think of different ways to present your idea. Keep all the good ideas to yourself.
Be the first to create an idea and make it happen.
Surf the net for ideas.
Don't pamper people. Sometimes, they must do things for themselves to learn how to do it.
Develop a successful system to manage the class.
Be alert and know what is going on.
Ask around.
Have a sense of urgency. Do things perfectly the first time, everytime.
Use TLC words. Tender loving care.
Do not be too formal. Parents find that trait and you too boring.
Be responsible. Always take care of the things.
Ask. Ask. ASk.
Mark books carefully.
Get used to the idea that you have to take up more than you are comfortable with.
Be child-like. Act out and make children laugh.
Dun be too stress!!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Yahoo! Finally I get to have my very own notebook! Gosh... This year has been 7 months of enduring endless shutowns from the 5 or 6 yer olds computer. sYUKUR... I can work in peace, no need to endure the feelinI g that I don't only depend on it to do my work.. really.. what a load of relief off my mind.
I almost bought the Acer... the salesman relentlessly bring out the good points for it... although my mind ad heart is set at this compaq notebook. Not I am biased against Acer, but I just prefer Compaq.
Another salesman did the invoice... He told me that my face preferred Compaq.. For him He is neutral for the brands...
My mom told him that I wanted compaq.... so here I am with it. But I won't be using this laptop quite a lot, coz my computer is still workable. It can still be used.
Now, I have to figure out how much must I fork out to pay mama through the monthly payments....
I almost bought the Acer... the salesman relentlessly bring out the good points for it... although my mind ad heart is set at this compaq notebook. Not I am biased against Acer, but I just prefer Compaq.
Another salesman did the invoice... He told me that my face preferred Compaq.. For him He is neutral for the brands...
My mom told him that I wanted compaq.... so here I am with it. But I won't be using this laptop quite a lot, coz my computer is still workable. It can still be used.
Now, I have to figure out how much must I fork out to pay mama through the monthly payments....
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